Burning at the Stake

fire-line-lowrider-hood-flames

This morning, I was online chatting with a Human Design buddy. As were conversing, he had a couple of questions for me.

Do I get “burned at the stake” a lot? 

Does the projection field come at me from other 5/1s, too?

Yes and yes.

I have had to deal with my tarnished/ruined reputations and burnings at the stake ALL OF MY LIFE. The way I saw it before Human Design was that people either LOVED me or HATED me. I never seemed to fall into a middle ground where I was just liked or treated indifferently. I’ve always felt the intense passion from people one way or another. People were loving or cruel. It was a relief when I finally found out about my profile. Life made more sense.

As I approach my fifth year of deconditioning, I still deal with tainted/ruined reputations and stake burnings, but less so now and differently than I’ve experienced in the past. The difference now is that I walk into projections fields that are correct for me. Of course, this is all an experiment, so every once in a while, I come across someone who can’t hear me and therefore, it all goes to shit. Or does it?

The last time I was burnt was five months ago. I was hanging out with a new friend, Ni. She and I had met several years ago at a party hosted by a mutual friend. Over the years, we continued to meet up at other parties. Well, we met again, and we finally exchanged numbers. We both agreed it was ridiculous we hadn’t hung out together outside of our friends’ parties.

Over several months, we met up for dinner, hung out, and talked on the phone. At the time, she was going through a tough experience with an ex-boyfriend. She asked for my advice, and I was happy to share it. I, also, introduced her to Human Design and she wanted to know more. I ran her chart, and that’s when I discovered she was a 5/1, too. We talked for hours comparing and contrasting our 5/1 experiences.

And yes, the projection field comes from other 5/1s, too. Not long after that conversation, I knew that Ni felt completely understood by me and now, she wanted more of my time, more of my energy. It was more, more, more. I didn’t have any more to give. In fact, the more that she was calling me out, the more I wanted to run away and hide. 

I didn’t hide. I was very upfront and told her that I didn’t have the time and energy that she needed from me. I couldn’t fulfill that need for her. It seemed like she understood, but I could feel the words move in her and then, out of her. She wasn’t hearing me. Fucking projection field was up, and it wasn’t coming down!!!

Then, she became very jealous of the time I spent with other people. She was a Facebook friend, and she started stalking me. She even contacted a very close friend of mine, Ree, and started texting her to find out if I was ok because I wasn’t answering my texts right away. There were many, many times I didn’t so this was news to me!

And one night, Ni snapped and sent me close to a hundred texts. As it started happening, I was out with my friend, Ree and she had posted on Facebook that we were at a nightclub dancing. There were so many texts blowing up my phone that I didn’t even have the energy to read them all. They put me in overload. I would scroll, and my eye would catch one.

I caught one about how I NEVER invite her to do things with my friends and me, which was entirely false. And then, I scrolled again and found … YOU AREN’T THE PERSON I THOUGHT YOU WERE! And I thought … here come the flames!

I did manage to read a few at the end. She kept saying … BYE! … followed by more texts which I didn’t have the energy to even read. I did respond to her at one point to please stop texting me or calling me; in addition to texting, she was also calling me. She was acting more like a jealous lover, than a good friend.

The next morning, I thought about calling her back, but I couldn’t. My body wouldn’t allow it. I never did call her back. My mind wanted to talk this out, to clear the air.  I had zero energy for it. Trying to call her felt like I was pushing to make something happen. Before HD, I would have forced myself to call her. We would have talked. Our friendship would appear fine, but then slowly she would continue her behavior, and our friendship would have ended in even more confusion and hatred. This is a pattern I have lived many times over.

The next time, I got on Facebook, I noticed that Ni unfriended me and blocked me and I was okay with that. My body felt immense relief.

A few days later, a mutual friend of ours called me. I wasn’t surprised. I knew this mutual friend wouldn’t care what Ni would say about me, but I know she would want to hear about the situation from me. She was waiting for me to mention Ni, but I didn’t. My body had spoken. Nothing to talk about.

I know that I entered Ni’s projection field correctly. I’m not sure how tarnished my reputation is in this instance. This is the first time I really don’t know what the outcome was. And when I had the opportunity to ask our mutual friend, I didn’t. And what has surprised me most is that I didn’t even care to find out.

What I do know is that Ni thought of me to be someone that I am not. I’m not sure exactly who that is. I do know that I shattered her projection of me and there’s nothing I can do about that or with that. As soon as I felt her projection change and I didn’t agree with it, I tried to correct it, and that’s something I had never done before.

Following the Music

Guitarist

A year ago today, I agreed to a plea bargain. I was an offender and a victim.

Six months prior, I had gone to a nightclub by myself to listen to an 80s band play. I had a drink and woke up 5 hours later standing by my car on the side of the road with four police officers, each one of them pointing their guns at me.

During the arrest, I was in and out of consciousness for several hours, and I was charged for an Extreme DUI, plus 6 other violations. The whole ordeal felt surreal and dreamlike.

This event marked the beginning of my third year of the deconditioning process.

Earlier that evening, I had met my friend, Gee, for dinner at a restaurant across the street. When we walked out, I heard the music coming out of the nightclub. She went home. I had a positive sacral response to follow the music, so I did.

I went in, and the music was fantastic, and the energy was high. People everywhere having a great time. I even called a friend of mine and asked him to come over and dance with me. I knew he’d love the music. He said he wasn’t feeling up to it, but he told me to have fun, and when I was ready to go home, he’d pick me up and drop me off at my apartment. Awesome!

I ordered a martini. I rarely drink martinis, but when I saw the drink menu my body had a positive sacral response to some foofoo martini, so I ordered it. The drink came from the bartender to the server into my hands and straight to my lips. That was my last memory until I “woke” up five hours later with four guns in my face and a whole lot of screaming.

When I think about that night, and the hours that I “lost,” my mind desperately wants to catch a memory,  a glimpse, a sense of something! Anything! However, when I do think about that night and notice how my body feels, it feels terror.

In the police report, it states that I was driving on the wrong side of the road at around 1 a.m. in the morning. Two police vehicles had to box me in to get me to pull my car over to the side of the road because I was refusing to stop and I was trying to out run them. They had their guns drawn when I got out of the car because my windows are tinted, and they couldn’t see how many people were in my vehicle. They gave me a sobriety test, and  I was able to complete it successfully. However, I refused to blow into a breathalyzer, and I refused to give my blood though they took it anyway. Weeks later after my blood was tested, it showed that I had a BAC of .188, Extreme DUI.

Obviously, I drove home. I drove home even though I had a ride to get home. I remember one drink. I was arrested on a road that I would have never driven on to get home. I didn’t have a credit card receipt for my drink, and I didn’t have any cash on hand. I had a lot of alcohol in my system, so how many drinks did I have and who the fuck was buying them?

And this is where my body feels the terror, What was happening in the nightclub that caused me to flee and get into my car? Why was that a good idea?

I feel that my body knows, but my mind has no clue. Why didn’t I alert someone, call someone, or wait for someone? Something was happening that my body took charge and got me the fuck out of there as best as it could. My mind doesn’t think it was the brightest move, but my body feels like it was the safest.

When I reflect on that night, I’m grateful that I didn’t hurt anyone and that I wasn’t seriously injured, raped or killed. Even a year and a half later, my mind still wants answers for The Void.

My entire life turned inside out and upside down with my arrest and conviction. LIFE made drastic changes to my environment, and it affected all of my closest relationships. However, as my third year of deconditioning unfolded, it resulted in being one of most satisfying years of my adult life. So, if I had to do it all over again, I would still follow the music.

To Human Design or Not

hd-study

Every once in a while, I’ll meet someone who appears to be interested in learning about the Human Design System. They’ll ask me about it, and I’ll have a positive sacral response for me to share. However, in our discussion I find that they can quickly get defensive and they want to prove that HD is wrong in some way. They want to argue with me about it.

I’ll flat out tell them, There’s nothing to argue about, and I have nothing to prove. Human Design isn’t for everyone, and it’s ok. Just because it exists doesn’t mean you have to agree with it or live it. It’s just a tool. As soon as I make that clear, I can feel their auras immediately relax. And we move on to a new topic of conversation.

However, Human Design is for me. Human Design found me. I didn’t find it. As a Manifesting Generator, it came at me. I didn’t even know it existed. The moment I came into contact with Human Design, I could feel the information resonating within my body. It’s either something you resonate with or not.

When I had my first Foundation reading, I knew that Human Design was the tool I had been searching for. At the time, I had no idea who I was anymore, and I didn’t know how to be ME. How do I start? I’d spent my whole life playing nice, doing what other people wanted me to do, committing to things that were destroying me, etc. I was lost in all of my conditioning. My emotional pain was excruciating which is why HD found me. The main question on my mind at the time was, Who am I?

In my first year of deconditioning, I found the Human Design System to be cute. My mind devoured all of the details, so many details! I was obsessed with all the information and facts I could find. I wanted to run everyone’s chart! I told everyone I knew about Human Design, whether they wanted to hear about it or not! I had no clue as to what I was getting myself into. I picked the information that I liked and pretty much ignored the rest.

In my second year, I was fucked. I fell into a very deep and very dark depressive state. As I was studying, I had come to the realization that I had never lived a day in my life as my “true self.” I was suffocating in all of my open centers and my defined centers weren’t that healthy either. Internally, I was in hell.

But in my third year, it was my environment and relationships that drastically changed. As a result, my mind became overwhelmed with so much uncertainty. My body felt fine! The only way I was able to survive was to wait to respond in the NOW. It was that year that I learned to live in the present moment and to understand what that meant. I learned to pay attention to how my body was feeling in the moment and I started letting go of my mind. For the first time, I was trusting my design!

I am currently in my fourth year of deconditioning, and there’s no going back now! I couldn’t even if I tried! I can feel myself generating all of the time now. The first three years, I felt it in spurts. Now, I can feel my aura attracting and enveloping people all around me. However, not everyone is for me, and I’m not for everyone. My body knows when someone is correct for me. My positive sacral response is loud. Their auras make my body sing!

Next year, I’ll begin my 5th year of the deconditioning process with three more years to go. I have no idea what to expect or what my life will look like, nor do I let my mind run away with those thoughts. My body is content in the present. However, it is interesting to reflect on the past. I think back when I first came into contact with HD; I could never have imagined what my life would look like now. It’s been turned upside down and inside out.

However, Human Design isn’t for everyone. Human Design is a tool that works for me. I resonate with it, and that’s ok.

 

Bee’s Visit

Bee's Chart

Bee’s Chart

My splenic projector friend Bee is spending the week with me. She arrives today. It is going to be an interesting visit. For the last few years, I’ve lived alone in a large two bedroom/two bath apartment. Each bedroom and bath were on either side of the main living area and kitchen. Now, that I have downsized to a one bedroom/one bath, Bee and I are going to be living in close proximity to one another. We will be sleeping in each other’s auras, her in my living room and me in my bedroom. She even has to walk through my bedroom to get to my bathroom.

When I had the big apartment, she wouldn’t hesitate to let me know when she needed alone time. And I love that she was able to tell me and it’s helpful to know that her feeling that way is  NOT personal! She would hide away for a few hours in my guest bedroom/office. She was several auras away. The ceilings were high, so she didn’t touch her aura with my neighbor below. The common wall that she shared with my other neighbor, well, he was never there because he stayed at his girlfriend’s apartment. She slept in her aura.

This visit is her shortest ever. When she was in the process of buying her ticket, she found herself booking her ticket for one week. We had talked about two weeks. When she told me she had changed it, I have to admit for a split second I was a bit disappointed, but now that the day is here, I’m glad it’s only one week!

Over time I’ve become very sensitive to my energy and how it affects those around me, especially non-energy types. Bee is a splenic projector (Channel 18/58), and I’m a sacral manifesting generator. I have a ton of energy! And now, I find myself concerned that there is no place for her to run and rest in a space away from me, away from everyone.

Thanksgiving Unplanned

For months, I had loosely planned to go to Dallas for Thanksgiving. I was invited to stay with a couple of good friends, and I was asked to meet up with a few more that I hadn’t seen since high school.

Over the course of a couple of months, I would search for a plane ticket, choose dates and times, and enter my credit card info. However, I couldn’t get myself to complete my purchase. My whole body would stop. Each time I tried, it didn’t feel correct to buy a ticket. I felt like I was pushing to make something happen. I chuckled and shook my head every time I slammed my laptop shut.

Two weeks before I was supposed to travel, I reached out to all of my Dallas buddies to confirm our plans and one by one they each canceled.

Since my travel plans had rapidly dissolved, I figured I would go into hermit mode (Gate 10.2) and just relax at home. Or so, I thought!

The day before Thanksgiving, I received four invitations for Thanksgiving dinner! A few were from friends I hadn’t seen in a couple of months, and one was from a couple of friends I hadn’t seen or heard from in years. My body responded to the friends I hadn’t seen in years.

On Thanksgiving afternoon, I stepped out of my front door and walked to meet them at a restaurant in the heart of downtown Phoenix. We spent a lovely afternoon catching up. We relaxed outside on an open balcony soaking up the warm sun, savoring our moments together, and living life perfectly unplanned.