Following the Music


A year ago today, I agreed to a plea bargain. I was an offender and a victim.

Six months prior, I had gone to a nightclub by myself to listen to an 80s band play. I had a drink and woke up 5 hours later standing by my car on the side of the road with four police officers, each one of them pointing their guns at me.

During the arrest, I was in and out of consciousness for several hours, and I was charged for an Extreme DUI, plus 6 other violations. The whole ordeal felt surreal and dreamlike.

This event marked the beginning of my third year of the deconditioning process.

Earlier that evening, I had met my friend, Gee, for dinner at a restaurant across the street. When we walked out, I heard the music coming out of the nightclub. She went home. I had a positive sacral response to follow the music, so I did.

I went in, and the music was fantastic, and the energy was high. People everywhere having a great time. I even called a friend of mine and asked him to come over and dance with me. I knew he’d love the music. He said he wasn’t feeling up to it, but he told me to have fun, and when I was ready to go home, he’d pick me up and drop me off at my apartment. Awesome!

I ordered a martini. I rarely drink martinis, but when I saw the drink menu my body had a positive sacral response to some foofoo martini, so I ordered it. The drink came from the bartender to the server into my hands and straight to my lips. That was my last memory until I “woke” up five hours later with four guns in my face and a whole lot of screaming.

When I think about that night, and the hours that I “lost,” my mind desperately wants to catch a memory,  a glimpse, a sense of something! Anything! However, when I do think about that night and notice how my body feels, it feels terror.

In the police report, it states that I was driving on the wrong side of the road at around 1 a.m. in the morning. Two police vehicles had to box me in to get me to pull my car over to the side of the road because I was refusing to stop and I was trying to out run them. They had their guns drawn when I got out of the car because my windows are tinted, and they couldn’t see how many people were in my vehicle. They gave me a sobriety test, and  I was able to complete it successfully. However, I refused to blow into a breathalyzer, and I refused to give my blood though they took it anyway. Weeks later after my blood was tested, it showed that I had a BAC of .188, Extreme DUI.

Obviously, I drove home. I drove home even though I had a ride to get home. I remember one drink. I was arrested on a road that I would have never driven on to get home. I didn’t have a credit card receipt for my drink, and I didn’t have any cash on hand. I had a lot of alcohol in my system, so how many drinks did I have and who the fuck was buying them?

And this is where my body feels the terror, What was happening in the nightclub that caused me to flee and get into my car? Why was that a good idea?

I feel that my body knows, but my mind has no clue. Why didn’t I alert someone, call someone, or wait for someone? Something was happening that my body took charge and got me the fuck out of there as best as it could. My mind doesn’t think it was the brightest move, but my body feels like it was the safest.

When I reflect on that night, I’m grateful that I didn’t hurt anyone and that I wasn’t seriously injured, raped or killed. Even a year and a half later, my mind still wants answers for The Void.

My entire life turned inside out and upside down with my arrest and conviction. LIFE made drastic changes to my environment, and it affected all of my closest relationships. However, as my third year of deconditioning unfolded, it resulted in being one of most satisfying years of my adult life. So, if I had to do it all over again, I would still follow the music.

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