“Making” Plans

calendar

A few days ago, my friend, A. called me and wanted to know if I would go with her to the 2017 Blues Blast Festival. The event would be on Saturday from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. I said yes. She said she would call me the morning of and let me know what time she’d be over. The festival is only 3 blocks away from my apartment.

Then, my friend Q. called me and invited me out to dinner on that same Saturday. He was thinking of an early dinner. He’s moving to Las Vegas and wants to hang out before he leaves. He also warned me that he had a slight cold. I asked him NOT to make an official plan, but to give me a call and let me know how he is feeling that morning. We could go from there.

And then, my friend K. invited me to attend her webinar at 9:30 a.m. on the same Saturday! I said yes.

I’ve been doing this for the last couple of years. I agree to go somewhere with someone and then, I get another invite and respond to doing that one as well. Everything happening on the same day or at the same time. I do not tell my friends that I’ve responded to other plans. I know that if I mentioned any of my behind-the-scenes antics, it would stress them out and me!

Here’s what I would have done with all the Saturday invites pre-Human Design. I would have called A. I would have asked her questions. What time are we going to the festival? (I would want to make it to K.’s webinar.) Do you want to stay for the whole event? What time do you think we’ll be leaving the Blues festival? And then, I would talk to Q. and ask him what time would be going out for dinner in spite that he wasn’t feeling the best. I would need a time! I would want a chance to get ready for dinner, so that time would also need to be scheduled in. I would have made myself super stressed wanting to make the whole day work out, and I would have stressed my friends out as I coordinated my time to be with all three of them. Insane, I know … but that’s how my NOT-SELF operates.

What I do is respond in the now. That’s it. It doesn’t matter if I have double booked plans, or if the time of events overlap. If I respond correctly, all of my “plans” will unfold the way they should. I am learning not to let my mind get in my way.

This is how my Saturday turned out. I woke up at 9 a.m. Checked my phone. No calls. No texts. I made myself a cup of coffee and settled in front of my computer to attend K’s webinar at 9:30 a.m. At about 10 a.m., A. calls me and says she’s running late. She’ll be arriving at 11 a.m. As I attend K’s webinar, I get dressed and ready. The webinar is over at 11:15 a.m. and I let my friend know that I’m leaving during the Q&A. A few minutes later, A. calls me to tell me that traffic is terrible and she’s stuck, but she’ll see me soon. When she gets here, we walk over to the festival. It’s 11:45 a.m. when we get there. No word from Q. By 2 p.m., I get a text message from Q. He’s canceling. His slight cold is now worse. A. and I have a very lovely time listening to music until 6:30 p.m. 

I used to be a planner. I used to stress out to make things happen. I would melt down and freak out when my plans fell apart. I trust LIFE to sort it all out for me as soon as I respond correctly. That’s the key … responding correctly.

And as I leave A. at her car and head over to my apartment, I walk out of the elevator and I run into one of my favorite neighbors! He and I chat for about 10 minutes and I told him about the blues festival. He tells me he LOVES that kind of stuff! His whole body lights up while I was telling him all about it. Next time, I know about something cool happening, he wants in! And my sacral response is YES! Then, he invites me to go with him to the shooting range during the week. And I say YES! … Invite #1.

Living My Design

Milky Way Galaxy

A few weeks ago, I ended a 6-week relationship. It was one that I was super excited about. We had become friends since July, and then, recently we became more to one another.

We had gone to a reading together, and he introduced me to someone he knew as his “friend” instead of “girlfriend.” As soon as I heard it, I could feel my mind starting to get upset … WTF?!?! But, since I no longer make decisions based on what my mind thinks, I felt my body, too, and at that moment, it agreed. Friends, it is.

Not long after he had said it, he apologized for saying it. I told him it was okay because it really was. At first, it was a shocking surprise; for weeks prior, I had been introducing him as my BF and he also referred to himself as my BF. All of that had felt correct until my body agreed to something else.

My mind didn’t want to let him go, and I watched it. My mind wanted more information than my sacral response was giving it. I watched my mind as it was trying desperately to figure something out! And in the spirit of living an experiment, I spent the next couple of days, watching us, him and me. And in those two days, I received a few more sacral responses for us to return to “just friends” status.

It was a sad decision, but it wasn’t a difficult decision to end our relationship because my mind no longer has control over my decision-making process. Yeah, I know. It did want more info, but my mind was NOT running the show. My sacral responded, and it agreed with him. The decision had been made.

When I went over to his apartment to tell him in person that when I heard him introduce me as a friend, my body agreed. He was expressionless and just stared right at me. I couldn’t make out if he were angry or hurt or anything. Expressionless. After a couple of seconds, he told me, “You can leave now.”

And my body left.

Now that I’m a month shy of beginning my 5th year of deconditioning, it’s a relief to trust in one’s Strategy and Authority. To turn off your mind for yourself can be an inexplicable process to people outside of Human Design, and sometimes even to those who know all about it. Over the last two years, I’ve been able to witness that LIFE is easier if you follow your S&A and allow life to unfold. It’s a simple, yet very difficult, way to live.

As for me and the exBF, well, we didn’t make the transition to back to being friends, maybe in time, maybe never. He’s a unique and interesting person and I miss him. However, when my sacral makes a decision, it’s one that I can completely live with without needing an explanation … and that in itself has taken time.

It Found Me

5th Line view from my balcony

Left a single-level house to move into my apartment in N. Phoenix with a 5th line view

Several years ago, pre-Human Design, I left my marriage of 20 years. My husband had been getting angrier and angrier over time. He never physically attacked me, but he started to attack me with his angry words and accuse me of things that were untrue. Most of the time, I didn’t know how to react to it. It got to a point where I felt I was not allowed to share my feelings. I would try to explain to him how I felt, but he would then tell me how he felt and then, explain to me how my feelings were wrong. I would find myself apologizing for having any feelings at all. It was such a difficult and sad situation.

After a while, I couldn’t sleep in our bed anymore. His energy, even sleeping, was making me on edge. Even though this is all before I learned about Human Design, I did see and feel that my body was so unhappy. My body was no longer getting the rest it desperately needed. I would be up for days, three or four straight. Then, when I could sleep, it would be for 2 or 3 hours. I was barely functioning.

I finally moved into our guest bedroom. Sleeping there was helpful, but only for a few months. My body could no longer relax in our home. I was walking on eggshells all of the time. I needed to sleep.

Finally, I decided I had to leave.

Leaving my husband was one of the most difficult life decisions I have ever made. My mind and body were in total chaos! My mind wanted me to stay. It did not want me to walk away from a 20-year marriage. It was screaming so loudly, “Are you fucking crazy?” “What do you mean you’re leaving?” “Why are you walking away from this life?” “He’s just angry. He’ll eventually get over it. He doesn’t beat you. Why in the world are you leaving?” “You shouldn’t leave, you’re giving up on everything!” “You’re fucking stupid for walking away from 20 years!” “You grew up together. Why are you abandoning him?”

And the not-self kept screaming; it was deafening!!!

However, my body wouldn’t listen to my mind. It was exhausted, and I was too tired to think anymore. My mind was screaming, but I just let it. I didn’t have the energy to “think” about it. I watched my body as it moved.

I watched myself telling him that I was leaving. I watched myself search for an apartment, fill out an application and pay a deposit. I watched my body call and arrange for utilities to be turned on and movers to move me. I watched my body as I packed all my belongings into boxes. I watched the movers load and unload my stuff from their truck. When they finished, I watched my body lock the door behind them. I watched myself walk into my bedroom and lay on my bed. I spent several days sleeping, waking up when I needed to and falling right back asleep. My body had found some peace.

One month later, Human Design found me.

Revisiting

Piano keys

When I was two-years-old, I touched the keys on my mother’s piano for the first time. I remember making my way up on her piano bench and plunking my hands down on the keys. I also recall how happy my mother was that I was showing an interest! She asked me if I wanted to learn how to play and I said, “Yes.”

My mother’s dream was to be a concert pianist. She was unable to fulfill it, so it became her dream that I become one. It was her dream, not mine. I studied the piano extensively for 15 years.

It was more like I was trapped for 15 years. From age two to seventeen, I had a love-hate relationship with that piano. I was not allowed to ever quit, because in my mother’s words, “I am not raising a quitter.” And so, I had no choice but to play.

Believe me, I tried on many occasions to quit. I had temper tantrums about it. I threw piano books across the room. I cried. I screamed. And every once in a long while, I enjoyed playing.

My life revolved around that piano, and it was used against me. I wasn’t allowed to do XYZ until I practiced. I would try to get away with NOT playing. It didn’t last long. Usually, kids have to sit at the dinner table until they eat everything. Me? I had to practice piano before I could do anything else. Piano came first.

The moment I came home from school, I practiced. During school and summer breaks, I started my day by practicing. I was deeply conditioned, and I did it so that I can move onto something I really loved, like reading novels, writing poetry and exercising.

Then, in the summer before my senior year of high school, my parents separated. My mom went from being a stay-at-home mom to a working mom, and she no longer had the energy to make practice demands of me. Since my mother and stepfather no longer told me how to spend my time, I became very involved with extracurricular activities at school, such as readers’ theater, theater club, one-act play club, poetry club, speech and debate, calculator club, math club, science club, and Future Teachers of America. My senior year of high school was quite satisfying. I engulfed my life with friends and activities I LOVED!

My birthday is on February 6th. For over a decade, every year, for my birthday, as a gift to myself, I learn a new skill. Last year, I took singing lessons, the previous year it was John Martin’s Way of the Jedi class, another year, I took ice skating lessons, another year, it was physical therapy due to an ice skating injury. LOL.

This year my sacral choose the piano! Up until a week ago, I had no idea what skill I was going to work on during my 45th year until I went to a concert last week and watched five bands perform. I left the venue knowing that I wanted to do THAT!!! I wanted to play the keyboard! My way! I was going to revisit a skill I had abandoned 28 years ago. My mind was going … WTF!?!

The following day, I found myself on Thumbtack and searched for a piano instructor. I had emails from several instructors, and my sacral picked one. I called her. She scheduled me in right away. I had my first lesson 2 days ago, and my new teacher is perfect for me! My fingers and brain connections are very rusty, but I remembered to read music by sight. In less than a month, I will be a solid intermediate student. Her words, not mine. 🙂

Since my lesson two days ago, I am now the proud owner of three piano instruction manuals and a digital piano. The day after my lesson, I woke up to my fingers tapping out chords and notes. My body is satisfied! This time I’m doing it for me. 

Shooting

The House of Illusio

The House of Illusio

Today, I photographed my first event in over 10 years. My bestie invited me to be her second photographer and I helped her shoot a theatrical performance. It was the first time I have shot an event living my design. It was incredibly SATISFYING! My body is so happy! I have no idea if any of my shots are worth a damn. I won’t be able to review my photographs for a couple days as I have a non-stop birthday weekend loosely planned! I took over 400 photographs. My mind is hoping that 5% are usable! 🙂