It Found Me

5th Line view from my balcony

Left a single-level house to move into my apartment in N. Phoenix with a 5th line view

Several years ago, pre-Human Design, I left my marriage of 20 years. My husband had been getting angrier and angrier over time. He never physically attacked me, but he started to attack me with his angry words and accuse me of things that were untrue. Most of the time, I didn’t know how to react to it. It got to a point where I felt I was not allowed to share my feelings. I would try to explain to him how I felt, but he would then tell me how he felt and then, explain to me how my feelings were wrong. I would find myself apologizing for having any feelings at all. It was such a difficult and sad situation.

After a while, I couldn’t sleep in our bed anymore. His energy, even sleeping, was making me on edge. Even though this is all before I learned about Human Design, I did see and feel that my body was so unhappy. My body was no longer getting the rest it desperately needed. I would be up for days, three or four straight. Then, when I could sleep, it would be for 2 or 3 hours. I was barely functioning.

I finally moved into our guest bedroom. Sleeping there was helpful, but only for a few months. My body could no longer relax in our home. I was walking on eggshells all of the time. I needed to sleep.

Finally, I decided I had to leave.

Leaving my husband was one of the most difficult life decisions I have ever made. My mind and body were in total chaos! My mind wanted me to stay. It did not want me to walk away from a 20-year marriage. It was screaming so loudly, “Are you fucking crazy?” “What do you mean you’re leaving?” “Why are you walking away from this life?” “He’s just angry. He’ll eventually get over it. He doesn’t beat you. Why in the world are you leaving?” “You shouldn’t leave, you’re giving up on everything!” “You’re fucking stupid for walking away from 20 years!” “You grew up together. Why are you abandoning him?”

And the not-self kept screaming; it was deafening!!!

However, my body wouldn’t listen to my mind. It was exhausted, and I was too tired to think anymore. My mind was screaming, but I just let it. I didn’t have the energy to “think” about it. I watched my body as it moved.

I watched myself telling him that I was leaving. I watched myself search for an apartment, fill out an application and pay a deposit. I watched my body call and arrange for utilities to be turned on and movers to move me. I watched my body as I packed all my belongings into boxes. I watched the movers load and unload my stuff from their truck. When they finished, I watched my body lock the door behind them. I watched myself walk into my bedroom and lay on my bed. I spent several days sleeping, waking up when I needed to and falling right back asleep. My body had found some peace.

One month later, Human Design found me.

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