What The Mind Wants

My mind and my body have different types of romantic partners it is seeking. My mind looks for partners that are filled with anger and self-loathing and view me as an object, and my body is looking for a partner that is supportive, secure and safe, one that is filled with self-love and has respect for me.

I’ve been witnessing that my spleen responds long before my sacral does. It begins to respond to unsettling feelings I may have toward a person, my yellow flags. When I feel my spleen going off, I start to pay extra attention to how my body is interacting and what my current environment is. Am I moving away from or toward this person? Is my body resting while we sleep? Can I fall asleep? Does my body wake up rested? When I wake up, do I feel safe and secure in this space?

I understand that we are supposed to sleep in our auras, and that conditioning is taking place as we sleep together, but occasionally sleeping with someone, actual sleeping, is when I have discovered a pattern of seeing how safe and secure my body really feels.

It’s become apparent to me that when I’m with someone who is incorrect for me, NOT sleeping is a huge issue. One of the reasons why I left my ex-husband was because I couldn’t sleep anymore. I was operating on 2 or 3 hours of sleep every night. With one X, I would wake up in the middle of the night with full blown panic attacks. Every time we slept together, I would wake up feeling like I was suffocating and drowning. With another X, I’d go over to his place, and I would try to spend the night. I couldn’t. He’d fall asleep, and I’d leave him sleeping and drive home. When he stayed with me, at first, I could sleep, and as time went on, I found that I couldn’t sleep in my bed either. After a couple of hours of sleep, I would move to my couch.

What I have discovered is that I can’t sleep when I’m with someone that is filled with anger and self-hatred. My body cannot rest. It feels vulnerable and threatened.

However, when I sleep with someone who is filled with self-love, my body feels safe. It doesn’t run away. It sleeps all night without waking up, and in the morning, I’m well rested. My body feels the difference. It’s not a sacral feeling; it’s a splenic one. A quiet, but present feeling.

At some point, my sacral will respond, and when it does, there is no mistaking the feeling. I can feel my spleen and sacral working together to give me a gut feeling that is undeniable. It starts in my abdomen and resonates throughout my body.

The romantic relationships I have entered into over the last couple of years were made in response. Since I have the Channel of the Prodigal (33/13) defined, it’s possible that I went through these relationships to witness the pattern between my mind and my body. To be able to look at that what my mind thinks it wants, to see that what it wants isn’t good for me and that by responding correctly, my body protects me in a way I can’t understand.

I am now hearing and feeling what my body seeks. I can hear self-love in a voice. I’ve been wandering around my neighborhood, meeting new people and experimenting with this new information.

The other night I went to a movie with friends and this “fun, loving guy” sitting next to us, showed us a magic trick with a deck of cards. I flipped out! It was such a great trick! I asked him do the card trick over and over again. We flirted until he got comfortable and his truth started coming out. He said a few things that my spleen was not happy to feel and hear. Then, my sacral kicked in. Anger. Disrespect. Done.

In contrast the night before, I met a guy who had a voice of love … self-love, love of family and friends, love of adventure! We talked for a couple of hours and had the best time sharing some of our life stories and lessons learned. I didn’t see, feel or hear anger coming from him at all. He was very respectful of my opinions and supportive. He asked me out on a date, and I said, Yes.

When I had my first HD reading, I was told that it’s possible that over time I would be able to “see” the bullshit people throw at me. I’ve always been pretty good about hearing it and feeling it in the moment when making friends or meeting strangers, but it’s not something I’ve been capable of doing with a romantic partner or the possibility of one. I do feel that as I experiment, my future romantic “choices” are going to be much different, but only time will tell, and only in response.

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