Trust

A week ago, a former close friend of mine, Ni, had contacted me via text. It had been nine months since we had last talked. Our friendship didn’t end on a very good note because I couldn’t fulfill her projections and expectations. (Read Burning at the Stake.)

The moment I saw her text come through on my phone, my stomach turned. Her texting tone was very friendly, and she wanted to know how I was doing. I read it, reread it, and my Sacral was giving me a big FUCK NO. Nope. I’m not responding, and that is my response.

The truth is that months ago I forgave her for her erratic and nasty behavior towards me, but I have NOT forgotten what she said to me and how she ultimately treated me. When I shattered her projections and expectations of me, she became furious. She took some of the personal and vulnerable things that I had shared with her, and she threw them back in my face trying to hurt me with them, a deal breaker for me when it comes to any relationship.

What I’ve learned over my lifetime is that people don’t change. It takes a catastrophic and traumatic event for change to happen and even then, people sometimes don’t change. As a 5/1 profile, I am very skeptical about her current intentions. She’s pleasant now, but for how long? What I realized is that I can’t trust her and that’s NOT a friendship. I have zero room for someone like that in my life.

As I read Ni’s text, my Sacral made the immediate decision NOT to respond, but I did take a moment to stop and think about whether I was operating from my Sacral versus my open Solar Plexus/Open Ego … Do I have something to prove? Was I was trying to avoid her? I made a quick check-in with myself just to make sure that I was operating correctly.

A few days go by, and then, I received a series of text messages from her from a different phone number. She states that she was afraid that I had blocked her number and she wanted to make sure that I was receiving her messages. She wants to know how I’m doing and wants me to know that she misses our friendship. She wants to talk and hang out.

Again, my sacral says, “NO!” It’s so loud!

Honestly, before I started experimenting with Human Design, I would have given Ni another chance. My mind would have talked me into giving her another chance. “Maybe she’s changed?”  “She wouldn’t hurt me again.” “It’ll be different this time.” I would have been hopeful and optimistic about the possibility of our renewed friendship.

I don’t feel that way at all now that I am into my fifth year of deconditioning. When my Sacral says NO, that’s that. I’ve been experimenting long enough to trust that my sacral has NEVER led me astray. It’s when I listen to my mind that life becomes painful.

I’m not sure where I read or heard the following analogy, the comparison of a bank to the Sacral. I feel like maybe a friend of mine explained sacral energy to me in this way, but in the big picture, it doesn’t matter where I got it. I know that at the beginning of my deconditioning, it was a very helpful analogy.

Think of your sacral as a bank and sacral life-force energy as money. Who receives your money? Who gets $100? Who gets $1,000? When I started to think of my sacral energy in those terms, it became very easy to see where and with whom I would invest my energy, invest my time. Relationships are an investment.

As I’ve been deconditioning and experimenting, I have become very selective with whom I share my sacral energy. I have ended my relationship with friends and lovers through my sacral response. When I am around energy that is incorrect for me, I can feel it pull me off of my frequency. I enter all relationships via my sacral response, and they end in the same way, too.

Walking away from someone I care about is never easy. With Ni, my mind has latched on to the joyful times and conversations we had during our friendship. It wants me to give her another chance; my body tells me something else. My body is not interested.

After a week, she sends me another text, checking in with a message that is manipulative. No, she didn’t change. My body felt very relieved that I hadn’t responded to any of her text messages.

What amazes me is how my sacral response protects me. When my Sacral responds yes or no, it doesn’t always make sense at the time, but as long as I let my response guide me, everything seems to work out for the best. I can also see that listening to my body keeps me from those who are wanting to harm me in some way and brings those who care about my well-being even closer.

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