Trust

A week ago, a former close friend of mine, Ni, had contacted me via text. It had been nine months since we had last talked. Our friendship didn’t end on a very good note because I couldn’t fulfill her projections and expectations. (Read Burning at the Stake.)

The moment I saw her text come through on my phone, my stomach turned. Her texting tone was very friendly, and she wanted to know how I was doing. I read it, reread it, and my Sacral was giving me a big FUCK NO. Nope. I’m not responding, and that is my response.

The truth is that months ago I forgave her for her erratic and nasty behavior towards me, but I have NOT forgotten what she said to me and how she ultimately treated me. When I shattered her projections and expectations of me, she became furious. She took some of the personal and vulnerable things that I had shared with her, and she threw them back in my face trying to hurt me with them, a deal breaker for me when it comes to any relationship.

What I’ve learned over my lifetime is that people don’t change. It takes a catastrophic and traumatic event for change to happen and even then, people sometimes don’t change. As a 5/1 profile, I am very skeptical about her current intentions. She’s pleasant now, but for how long? What I realized is that I can’t trust her and that’s NOT a friendship. I have zero room for someone like that in my life.

As I read Ni’s text, my Sacral made the immediate decision NOT to respond, but I did take a moment to stop and think about whether I was operating from my Sacral versus my open Solar Plexus/Open Ego … Do I have something to prove? Was I was trying to avoid her? I made a quick check-in with myself just to make sure that I was operating correctly.

A few days go by, and then, I received a series of text messages from her from a different phone number. She states that she was afraid that I had blocked her number and she wanted to make sure that I was receiving her messages. She wants to know how I’m doing and wants me to know that she misses our friendship. She wants to talk and hang out.

Again, my sacral says, “NO!” It’s so loud!

Honestly, before I started experimenting with Human Design, I would have given Ni another chance. My mind would have talked me into giving her another chance. “Maybe she’s changed?”  “She wouldn’t hurt me again.” “It’ll be different this time.” I would have been hopeful and optimistic about the possibility of our renewed friendship.

I don’t feel that way at all now that I am into my fifth year of deconditioning. When my Sacral says NO, that’s that. I’ve been experimenting long enough to trust that my sacral has NEVER led me astray. It’s when I listen to my mind that life becomes painful.

I’m not sure where I read or heard the following analogy, the comparison of a bank to the Sacral. I feel like maybe a friend of mine explained sacral energy to me in this way, but in the big picture, it doesn’t matter where I got it. I know that at the beginning of my deconditioning, it was a very helpful analogy.

Think of your sacral as a bank and sacral life-force energy as money. Who receives your money? Who gets $100? Who gets $1,000? When I started to think of my sacral energy in those terms, it became very easy to see where and with whom I would invest my energy, invest my time. Relationships are an investment.

As I’ve been deconditioning and experimenting, I have become very selective with whom I share my sacral energy. I have ended my relationship with friends and lovers through my sacral response. When I am around energy that is incorrect for me, I can feel it pull me off of my frequency. I enter all relationships via my sacral response, and they end in the same way, too.

Walking away from someone I care about is never easy. With Ni, my mind has latched on to the joyful times and conversations we had during our friendship. It wants me to give her another chance; my body tells me something else. My body is not interested.

After a week, she sends me another text, checking in with a message that is manipulative. No, she didn’t change. My body felt very relieved that I hadn’t responded to any of her text messages.

What amazes me is how my sacral response protects me. When my Sacral responds yes or no, it doesn’t always make sense at the time, but as long as I let my response guide me, everything seems to work out for the best. I can also see that listening to my body keeps me from those who are wanting to harm me in some way and brings those who care about my well-being even closer.

Speed Dating in the Now

Questions to break the ice …

A couple of weeks ago, I received an email about a future speed dating event. I had a positive sacral response when I read it, so I signed up.

When the evening of the event arrived, my mind did not want to attend. It was having doubts. I watched my body get ready. I spritzed my favorite perfume, and out the door, I went.

After I had parked my car at the venue, I walked toward an elevator. I heard a small voice from across the parking structure to hold the elevator door open. As soon as she walked in, I could feel her energy was high. I figured she was one of the speed daters, too, but my mind was confused. She held a birthday gift bag.

I asked her what floor she needed to go to and she started laughing. She didn’t know. She was on her way to a “some weird dating event.” Oh, that’s where I’m headed, too. She explained to me that she had never done anything like this before and is going to meet a friend there. Aside from the speed dating, it’s her friend’s birthday and held up the gift bag. She asked me, Have you done this before? Yes, I have.

I’ve been to a speeding dating event before. Over a year ago. It was my first time. A friend of mine wanted to drive to Las Vegas at a moment’s notice, and I said, No. I didn’t have the energy for something like that. She suggested that we go to a speed dating event that evening instead. Speed dating as a consolation prize. NOW, that seemed interesting … never done that before. It turned out to be a lot of fun!

This time around, I was on my own.

As I walked into the venue, I felt at home. The event was being held at one of my favorite bars in Scottsdale. It’s like a Hollywood version of a jazz club … velvet and leather chairs, half circular plush booths, pillows on every seat, a dark wood floor and bar, and a small center stage with room to dance anywhere. Dark. Mysterious. And full of intrigue. I love super sexy spaces. I wonder if that’s a Heretic trait.

I ordered a glass of wine and headed over to Check-In. I laughed when I saw the table. I was assigned to Table #1. I chuckled. I’m usually first or thirteenth (Gate 7.5, Gate 13.5). Today, I was First. I don’t mind being first. In this case, it really didn’t matter; this wasn’t a follow me or not kind of situation (7/31 Channel of the Alpha, General).

As I settled into the bar with my drink, I watched all of my fellow speed daters. There was so much excitement and anticipation in the air. I watched everyone, wondering why I was really there. I thought it might be to practice responding. There’s nothing like responding in the moment to 12 to 15 men on 5-minute dates. LOL.

When it was time, I walked over to my Table #1 and sat down in a comfy, velvet, pillow-filled mini booth. My dates would be seated in a sleek leather chair off to my left side.

All the women sat at an assigned table. The men rotate, moving from table to table, every 5 minutes. Once the event begins, there are no scheduled breaks. This time I made sure I had a few beverages by my side … water, diet coke and a glass of wine, because talking for a couple of hours makes me very thirsty.

This time around, I had thirteen mini-dates. I met a variety of interesting men, well, as interesting as a person can get in 5 minutes. It was fascinating to hear what they shared with me. I had one guy ask me what I like to do for fun? I said the symphony, ballet, theater and before I could finish my response, he called me a snob and pointed his nose up. I laughed. He laughed, but his body language said he wasn’t joking. Then, I had another guy tell me how unsophisticated I am. I laughed as well. Yup. NOT for me!

What was interesting is that being at Table #1 was a conversational ice breaker. Most of the men couldn’t resist saying as they approached me, I found the one! The projection of being THE ONE. I’m NOT the one, in fact, I’m not for everyone, and I know that. I’m only here for very specific people. I just laughed every time I heard it.

Well, when my last date approached me, and he looked solemn. He sat down right next to me and in a serious voice, he said, I have some questions for you. I want your honest answer. Have you done this before? I nodded. How do women select the men on the speed dating website? Do they choose just a couple? More than that? What do they look for? Is every woman looking for a rich husband? Someone who lives close to their home? I think I live too far and no one wants to drive out that way, and I’m a teacher. I’m not rich.

OMG! I have been projected on in a major way. I’m always projected on, but this is the first time I felt the immediate directness of it.

This guy wanted me to answer for ALL WOMEN! WTF?! I told him that I had no idea. He said, Well, what would your friends do? I said that I have no idea what they would do. I’m not them, nor am I aware that any of my friends are looking for a rich husband or wife. 

He wanted an answer from me as to why he’s only been selected three times in the five events he has attended. He said that at the last event no one even picked him and he knows because he selected YES to every female that went to the event.

Here’s the deal with speed dating. At check-in, all the women receive a card that lists all the male names and there’s a Yes or No after each name, along with a space to jot down notes. And, then, all the men have a card with all the female names. After each date, you circle either Yes or No. After the event, all the participants have 48 hours to login into the speed dating site and select Yes or No after each name. If you get a match, you will get the person’s email address so that you can contact the person for a future date.

So, back to my last-date of the evening, I told him that I can’t give him the answer that he’s looking for. Sure, there’s probably women looking for a rich husband, but I have no idea if people go speed dating to look for one. I tell him that I hear women talk about finding a wealthy husband at the bar or gym, but I’m NOT that type of person, so I have no idea what to tell you. I have dated all types.

He proceeded to tell me that he’s getting SMARTER about what to talk about in 5 minutes, like not disclosing his profession (special needs teacher) or where he lives (Buckeye, AZ which is a good distance outside of Phoenix). I told him that’s a shame that he feels that he can’t be himself. No one is worth pretending to be someone else. He nodded, but I could feel that he didn’t agree. His energy felt very confused and lonely to me.

We talked for about 20 minutes, but before we departed ways. I asked him, Why me? Why ask me all these questions? I wanted to know why he chose me. What was it about me that made him comfortable to ask? Oh, I know I’m an MG Heretic Investigator (5/1), but if he was capable of explaining, I wanted to know what he was seeing or feeling, someone who had no idea about Human Design.

He said that I looked like someone he could talk to and that my body looked open and not closed off. I looked “inviting.” He stated that he noticed I was friendly, and that I smile and laugh a lot. He felt that he could ask me those questions without being judged. He didn’t feel comfortable asking any other woman there. 

HOLY SHIT! He described the Generator aura and my 5/1 profile. He invited my insight (Channel 43/23)! I’m the savior and I can listen (Gate 13.5: The Gate of the Listener, Savior). This is the first time I’ve ever been in a room full of strangers, and a person seeks me out for an answer. He was so sure I had the answer.

He wanted to see if I would participate in an experiment with him. I love experiments! I live an experiment. He asked that when I go back home, would I be willing to check YES to every male? He wanted to see how men select women. He would do the same, and we could email one another and compare notes. At the time, my mind thought that was a good idea, but when I got home and sat in front of my computer, I couldn’t do it. The idea made me feel sick to my stomach. I had a strong aversion to some of the men I met. I didn’t want them knowing anything about me.

As for all my dates, I responded YES to five of them. I had two matches, my last-date guy (so we can compare notes) and Guy #15. I had a lovely conversation with Guy #15. We were both disappointed we only had 5 minutes! We kept talking even as he was moving toward the next table.

Ha! As I was writing this post, Guy #15 just sent an email asking me out on a date. He said five minutes was too short! LOL. Totally!

What The Mind Wants

My mind and my body have different types of romantic partners it is seeking. My mind looks for partners that are filled with anger and self-loathing and view me as an object, and my body is looking for a partner that is supportive, secure and safe, one that is filled with self-love and has respect for me.

I’ve been witnessing that my spleen responds long before my sacral does. It begins to respond to unsettling feelings I may have toward a person, my yellow flags. When I feel my spleen going off, I start to pay extra attention to how my body is interacting and what my current environment is. Am I moving away from or toward this person? Is my body resting while we sleep? Can I fall asleep? Does my body wake up rested? When I wake up, do I feel safe and secure in this space?

I understand that we are supposed to sleep in our auras, and that conditioning is taking place as we sleep together, but occasionally sleeping with someone, actual sleeping, is when I have discovered a pattern of seeing how safe and secure my body really feels.

It’s become apparent to me that when I’m with someone who is incorrect for me, NOT sleeping is a huge issue. One of the reasons why I left my ex-husband was because I couldn’t sleep anymore. I was operating on 2 or 3 hours of sleep every night. With one X, I would wake up in the middle of the night with full blown panic attacks. Every time we slept together, I would wake up feeling like I was suffocating and drowning. With another X, I’d go over to his place, and I would try to spend the night. I couldn’t. He’d fall asleep, and I’d leave him sleeping and drive home. When he stayed with me, at first, I could sleep, and as time went on, I found that I couldn’t sleep in my bed either. After a couple of hours of sleep, I would move to my couch.

What I have discovered is that I can’t sleep when I’m with someone that is filled with anger and self-hatred. My body cannot rest. It feels vulnerable and threatened.

However, when I sleep with someone who is filled with self-love, my body feels safe. It doesn’t run away. It sleeps all night without waking up, and in the morning, I’m well rested. My body feels the difference. It’s not a sacral feeling; it’s a splenic one. A quiet, but present feeling.

At some point, my sacral will respond, and when it does, there is no mistaking the feeling. I can feel my spleen and sacral working together to give me a gut feeling that is undeniable. It starts in my abdomen and resonates throughout my body.

The romantic relationships I have entered into over the last couple of years were made in response. Since I have the Channel of the Prodigal (33/13) defined, it’s possible that I went through these relationships to witness the pattern between my mind and my body. To be able to look at that what my mind thinks it wants, to see that what it wants isn’t good for me and that by responding correctly, my body protects me in a way I can’t understand.

I am now hearing and feeling what my body seeks. I can hear self-love in a voice. I’ve been wandering around my neighborhood, meeting new people and experimenting with this new information.

The other night I went to a movie with friends and this “fun, loving guy” sitting next to us, showed us a magic trick with a deck of cards. I flipped out! It was such a great trick! I asked him do the card trick over and over again. We flirted until he got comfortable and his truth started coming out. He said a few things that my spleen was not happy to feel and hear. Then, my sacral kicked in. Anger. Disrespect. Done.

In contrast the night before, I met a guy who had a voice of love … self-love, love of family and friends, love of adventure! We talked for a couple of hours and had the best time sharing some of our life stories and lessons learned. I didn’t see, feel or hear anger coming from him at all. He was very respectful of my opinions and supportive. He asked me out on a date, and I said, Yes.

When I had my first HD reading, I was told that it’s possible that over time I would be able to “see” the bullshit people throw at me. I’ve always been pretty good about hearing it and feeling it in the moment when making friends or meeting strangers, but it’s not something I’ve been capable of doing with a romantic partner or the possibility of one. I do feel that as I experiment, my future romantic “choices” are going to be much different, but only time will tell, and only in response.

MG Speed

It’s official! I am now an intermediate pianist! I started playing the piano 5 weeks ago after a 28-year hiatus.

Last week, my instructor told me that she was shocked and awed at how fast I am progressing. She informed me that it takes a student about 50+ hours of private lessons and hundreds of hours of practice time to get through the beginner’s stage, half the time if a student continued after taking years off from their training. She’s never had a student like me before, someone who can move through so much material at such a fast pace.

As she was sharing her feelings with me, it hit me … this is the speed of the Manifesting Generator.

It took me 5 hours of private lessons and 42 practice hours later to become an intermediate pianist. There is no doubt that my body remembers the fifteen years it was forced to dedicate itself to the piano.

Here’s what I find funny about this … I feel like I’m walking through mud! I am in a situation where my speed is measurable, and I understand that I’m moving very fast, but from day-to-day, I feel like a slowpoke!

I spent the last week reviewing my lesson and adding new music. My instructor was a bit overwhelmed at how many pieces she was assigning to me to learn over the course of the week. She had assigned a rather complicated piece. We had plunked out the right hand together, and it was awful and confusing that she told me to just learn the right-hand movement. Well, as I practiced at home, I learned the left-hand, too. And I put both hands together. And learned to play the entire piece! I performed it for her today, and she was expecting to hear only the right-hand, not the whole thing! She informs me that it takes about 2 to 3 months for a student to learn the whole piece, not one week.

I laughed! My body LOVES playing! And I’m an MG!

I get so lost in my practice. When I decide to practice, I’ll start out thinking that I’ll spend 15 minutes on it. As soon as I sit down at my piano, I lose all sense of time. I’ll find that I’ll have practiced over 2 hours, but it only felt like 15 minutes!

Today, my instructor asked me about how I was doing with the piano and my past. She was concerned that she might be doing or saying things to me that might cause me to flashback to childhood issues. My sacral responded no.

I told her that I had been concerned about that when I first started, but that I was having a great time rediscovering the piano and my talent. It’s been incredibly satisfying so far. I loved that she asked me!

My mind was definitely freaking out before I took my first lesson, but my body felt great about it. I had responded correctly, and that’s why I decided to explore it again. After all, it would only be for a year. I’ll see if it sticks.

I have a gut feeling it will. Of course, that can always change, but a close friend of mine who is a singer and a pianist has already mentioned to me that she feels like we’ll be collaborating when “I get good.” When she said that my whole body lit up! YES!!! And without thinking, I said, “Oh, I’ll be better than good!”

Gate 9: The Taming Power of the Small—Energy for Detail

gate-9

Every once in a long a while, I’ll break down and look at a particular defined gate in my chart. Recently, Gate 9 came up due to a funny little OCD quiz on Facebook. A Human Design friend of mine did the quiz and earned a perfect score. I have a tendency to have “OCD” myself, so I opted to do the quiz, and sure enough, I received a perfect score, too!

I made a comment on her Facebook post in regards to my score. Her response was, “Do you think Gate 9 has anything to do with it?”

“Absolutely!” I said.

I have Gate 9 defined three times in my design (body) side: Gate 9.3, 9.4, 9.6.

Gate 9 is the energy for focusing in on the details, and since mine is unconscious, it’s usually pointed out to me. For example, last week I went to Pilates. After class, our instructor passed out a bottle of cleaner and a towel to each student so that we could wipe down the equipment we each used. I was the last to finish. I went to put my bottle away and noticed that all the bottles were in disarray, so I instinctively began to line them up. It only took a moment. They looked neat and orderly when I was finished. One of my fellow students walked by and asked me if had OCD. I laughed.

I’ve been pouring over my friends’ charts, looking around to see if they have Gate 9 defined. And sure enough, we all have “OCD” to varying degrees, some are very conscious of it, and others like myself are not.

As a child, I had full-blown OCD, the not-self variety. I caused a lot of physical pain to myself with one behavior in particular. When I was home, I would constantly wash my hands to the point that my skin would crack and bleed. At school, any opportunity I had away from the class, I would rush to the bathroom to wash my hands, repeatedly. I swore I could see and feel germs on my hands. By the time I went to high school I was no longer exhibiting that behavior.

Over time, I recognize that I have the ability to focus intensely and that I have an eye for detail. I see details that a lot of people will miss or just not notice.

I’m a graphic designer and having this gate is very helpful in my work. I’m not your typical designer, either. Usually, a designer gets info and creates a commercial design, whether it’s a book cover, catalog, brochure, newsletter, poster, etc. I get info, and before I even begin to create, I read all the information several times. If there’s any info that is unclear, I’ll ask about it and get clarification. I’ll even edit and rewrite text if it makes the details clearer. Once the information makes sense, I will read it, again and again, to see how I’m going to present the information within a design. All of this I’m aware of, but there are aspects of it that I do unconsciously.

A couple of months ago, a friend referred me to one of his clients. His client needed a catalog that would “Wow!” I offer Wow! I spoke with the client, received all of the info for the project. I reviewed every photograph, diagram, spreadsheet and a previous catalog. After I had poured through the details, I decided I would create a 12-page catalog to highlight his 70-products (various types of cornice moldings) and sent him a quote for it. He agreed to it. I produced the catalog. He loved it! 

A few weeks later, he called me because he was baffled about the sizing of the images in the catalog. Apparently, he gave his web designer all of the product images he had given me. When his web designer started placing them on his website, my client didn’t understand why all the products were the same size. It didn’t look that way in the catalog. He, then, opened all the photographs and saw that they were all the same size. The photographer had shot them that way.

When I designed the catalog, I saw that the images were all the same size, but the information that went along with each image indicated that they were organized from smallest to largest. As I was dropping each image into the catalog, I made each one a little larger as I went along. I eyeballed it. The last product is visibly larger than the first. The client did not ask for this. I did it unconsciously. I didn’t think about it at all until he was asking me.

My client was baffled. He asked … How did you know to do that? What made you do that? I just explained that I read the product information and made each one a little larger. I eyeballed it. He laughed in amazement. He didn’t know what to say except … How can I get my web designer to do that?

It was an incredibly satisfying thing to hear!